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Silly Things

01 / 07 / 2016

I have a chronic habit of noticing and often announcing the little silly things that don't really matter. It's pathetic small talk and no one cares for it. Well, at least that's how I think people view the behaviour. It has a time and place for sure - but most of the time, when I see people's faces after they've heard some silly details that don't really matter, I feel ridiculously vulnerable. Why? Because I see them smiling for the sole reason of being polite.

Whether this is true or not is another matter. I have a habit of assuming the worst. Not in other people, but in myself and the reactions of other people towards myself. Aka - an insecurity about things I say. We all have insecurities - big deal I know, and this whole theory could just be just an over reaction. I've never been articulate in my life, except for essays which take great thought and effort in putting together. Another important note on that - is that they can be entirely written inside one's head. Anyways, I say irrelevant details for a couple of reasons.

The first is that my mum is the queen of irrelevant details - so it was passed on to me. I don't hate my mum when she says how far a location was away from some other irrelevant location while telling a story to a friend. I just panic inside because I fear that other people will loose interest and turn away if she diverts from the point for too long, and therefore not like her. I want people to like my mum. I think we all want people to like those we love. That's normal, right?

Anyway, the second reason is that I want to make people feel comfortable. I know these reasons are sounding a bit all over the place right now, as I just said I do something that I think other people dislike. But I'm a very sensitive, introverted and quiet person who observes more then she talks. Through this, I watch people’s emotions and reactions to things that are said and done. I've quietly watched many people sweat a bucket load because of nerves or anxiety or just being misunderstood. We all have I'm sure - but these times stick out in my mind, like some mental baggage. So I like to be the one who fills the silence when I see someone who would rather not. Or be the one who takes the lead when I see others would prefer to go hide. I like to make people feel comfortable, not that I always know how. But through some awkward small talk in certain circumstances, I try and often end up talking about irrelevant little stories or observations. My logic is that hearing blabber and having a way out in some situations is more beneficial for an individual then painfully feeling like that have to act out of character and contribute. I'm sure I've miss-read people in the past many times and made an absolute fool of myself. But that's nothing out of the ordinary.

I guess I'm writing this because I know individuals who blab on in the silence can be put up on a pedestal in Hollywood films and labelled "quirky" and "groovy", yet in reality - there is a bunch of us who just feel self-conscious, not glorified when we blab. We can't help it more often than not, and while it doesn't break anyone's arm in the process or dislocate anyone's eyeballs, it makes us feel like a lesser human being.