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Self doubt; decisions, decisions, decisions

20 / 12 / 2015

As you have probably gathered by now, I am taking a GAP year type-a-thing and trying to make it mine before I possibly move into a course or something like that. There are a whole list of things I will be filling my time with; such as studying vegan books, learning German, working, getting my drivers licence, exploring my local area, yoga-ing, babysitting, travelling, recipe testing, blogging, vlogging and hopefully making some e-books and t-shirts, however this list isn’t exactly easy to verbally deliver off the bat, to A) someone who doesn’t get the whole VEGAN thing, and B) who is making me feel kind of uncomfortable with all their pressing questions. Hence it’s pretty clear that I’m not doing what society expects and believes is a safe option. I’m not making it easy for loose relations who are just trying to make conversation by asking, ‘so what course are you doing next year?’. It’s frustrating, but also kind of sad. I mean this is ridiculously consistent across the board, with the only real question being what job are you interested in, and where you are carrying out a course to get you there. There is no understanding or sympathy with not exactly having a clear idea of what you want to do, and hence holding off until then. Nor is their an understanding that perhaps university might not be right for everyone.

But I do see where this is coming from. The concerned parents, grandparents and friends, who believe no university leads to sitting around at home all day doing nothing. This is particularly prevalent in my family at the moment. With a parent wondering why I don’t want to just ‘get on with a course’ and grandparents continually asking ‘so what are you going to do with yourself next year’, like my previous answer wasn’t satisfactory. To be fair, I feel awkward saying I’m driving all my creative energy into making recipe videos and writing e-books about veganism etc., if that concept is completely alien to them. It sparks the question of ‘why?’ and then you’re in for a conversation you’d rather not have.

So it’s the period of time at the moment, where no matter whether you are starting university next year or having a year ‘off’ (whatever that means), then you are on holidays. It’s the “festive” season and it’s classified as ‘okay’ to chill out. However I was really lacking motivation to do anything the past few days and I was seriously concerned that it would last forever and hence (yes I actually thought this) I should just start the midwifery course, instead of deferring. I know. I thought that maybe society’s grand plan was in place for a reason and that there was no point trying to go against the norm when I was lacking the guts to even go around asking for work, and didn’t know where the heck to start on making videos.

I do have a few supports who seem encouraging of my plans. My mum was concerned, yet was persuaded that it was a good idea by a family friend (score!), and my brother, since he helps me with the technical HTML side of all this, got it straight away. As long as the course is in the bag for 2017, I’ve got this coming year. Anyway, after a few days of no direction or purpose (the 44C heat didn’t help), I found my mojo. There is something so satisfying about starting, when clearly you are procrastinating because of fear of failure. Elizabeth Gilbert leaves you with a story in the concluding pages of her book ‘Big Magic’, saying that if you run and hide when you are out of place, know no one, and look ridiculous, then you’ll miss the party. In other words, persist eternally, to show that courage prevails and you are not afraid of goggling eyes.