Honeybunch of
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My Greatest Fear

25 / 09 / 2016

My greatest fear is simply running out of time, or not having enough time to do the things I want to do. As much as I am also terrified of many social situations, and a few other things, it kinda always boils down to this one thing. As much as I don't mind doing things that aren't all that gripping, if I do them at the expense of the time I would have for making and creating - then that's when the problem goes from 1 to 100.

Going into university next year, I am a little (big understatement) - rather very concerned as to how I will find a balance. A balance between my student life, creative life and social one. I can see now (because I do know myself on this one), that I will prioritise them in that order. Since studying at an institution is rather expensive, or at least that sum of money appears a little crazy to me at the moment, and the fact that when it comes to academic work I am rather disciplined, it will take the cake. Then under that, I will be daydreaming about projects I can do in my spare time, on weekends and in semester breaks. The leftover energy I have from studying like a mad woman, I will spend on the creative stuff. That resulting in still regular uploads, and the HBOT Journal still coming into fruition. Then there's the social category, and because I am a hard core introvert and tend to believe that when I'm busy I don't have any energy for that - it has the risk of falling by the waist-side. This second half of the year, I've developed a rather balanced social life. Catching up with a few intimate friends quite often, and also writing to those who are a little ways-a-way. It's been nice, and also frequent. I've built a few new relationships with people I'd never met previously and extended family friends.

The start of this year was all about re-adjustment. Re-adjustment from a hectic year that was so non-stop I forgot who I was, and re-adjusting how I go about my daily routine while staying mentally A-Okay. The start of next year will definitely be about adjustment. I'll be learning concepts that I know I am not the best at, while being frustrated because it's all the "foundation" concepts for later on. It won't seem like a good use of money, and I'll get overwhelmed, frustrated and probably cry a whole lot more them I currently do at the present. I know, no two adjustment periods are the same, but I can't help feel uninspired about going through the process again - since in the past it was....painful.

At the end of the day, I'll have to lower the expectations of myself and rather focus on the continuing practice of doing things that make me happy & excited. While I consider that pool rather large, and full of different branches and forks, it all generates the same feeling, and I need to learn to be happy with doing one thing from it, rather than trying to juggle all the balls and succeed with all of them.

Agh life. Forever changing dynamics and streams of energy.

Adjustment. Adjustment. Adjustment.

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