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In Possession Of All The Facts

28 / 04 / 2016

Recently I've realised that there are so many stupid reasons people do things. I have always known this is the case, people paying large sums of money for a course they don't like or continuing a relationship that is completely toxic to themselves and their friends and family, but when you are busy you brush it off to the side and get on with what requires your time and energy.

It's a simple case of being ignorant is often better, or at least easier.

Thinking about world leaders, advocators or any person who has to face all this negativity going on and still be positive, optimistic and often come home to young innocent minds at the end of the day, just bewilders me. Probably due to the fact that I am an INFJ, I carry sad news or world problems on my shoulders more then is helpful. It also takes me longer to come out of a slump-ey period, because I continually think about the negativity over and over again. I guest I am a realist in a way, too. Well actually I am default a realist and them an optimist when others need me to be or when I'm in particularly high spirits. Anyway the point is that I get overwhelmed by harsh realities and lately I've been goggling at a lot of it.

And now I just don't want to make the wrong decision. Even though, let's be real, what's the worse that can happen?

I feel like I'm about to cross into another stage and then there is no way back. I am like Sirius Black dying and fading away into another realm. Well no, that was just an extreme metaphor to get the message across. I think from when one leaves school to about age 25 or something like that I'm just spitballing here (gross, what does that phrase even mean?), they are on the biggest wobbly road of their lives. At least internally - that's what I feel like. But everything is relative, and feels undoubtedly the biggest thing in your entire life when one is living through it. The present is powerful, so powerful that it is often hard to zoom out and just grab some perspective.

Lately I've just wondered if it is beneficial to know all the facts. That is to the point where you become overwhelmed, wondering what the point to it all is. If you are wondering what the purpose is to everything, then that is surely not the best place and mind space to be in. I certainly don't like it when I'm there. It's filled with a heck-load of crying and restlessness. You feel like you are living inside your head and that coming out of their is the hardest thing physically possible. I usually wear myself out in these instances and fall asleep, patching up my distress with a bandaid and hoping it will heal for good. But this year has shown that the wound has only become deeper.

I know it's one big-fat-stinking-privileged problem to have, that being not knowing what direction you want your life to go in. Or having access to knowledge that allows you to find out any information you please at your finger-tips. But I will say this, it is the biggest conundrum and anxiety causing thing I've ever had to deal with.

Being busy and shielded is easier. It's the school routine or uni-scholarship. I'm finding my chosen blank slate this year to be a challenge I won't deny it, and I'm not asking for it to change, just for some passion and excitement to once again knock on my door.

*Probably the most here, there and everywhere post I've ever written. Hope you followed by gibberish.