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I need to speak more

21 / 02 / 2016

As you know, I am very VERY introverted. But that said - I was not one to keep my mouth shut in class at school, nor hold back from talking to someone who was alone at recess. That probably had to do with the fact that I had been at that particular school for most of my life, making it a place I was very 'comfortable' in. Now, that I'm not attached to a educational institution at the present, have realised that I need to just voice what I am thinking more to my family and friends, so when I want to act upon my ideas (i.e around the corner some time) it doesn't come out of nowhere and I am supported, rather then gawped at.

I have a habit of having long inner-dialogue discussions with myself. Blossoming ideas and thinking scenarios though. I have different parts of me tune in too, like my rational side, or my emotional side - trying to steer me in a certain directions. This is great for me most of the time, like when I am being independent and doing my own thing, however the reality is that I do not live by myself and live a totally self dependant life. Rather I live with my parents, who constantly ask me why I haven't got a job yet, and make the statement that 'it would be great if I had some money to splash around with' more than often. I am determined to not let the issue of money weigh me down, and rather plough forward with things that are totally free, like this blog and making Youtube videos for y'all, until work does eventuate. Which I know it will. But I have to work on voicing my ideas for the future with others because if I don't then I'm not building trust, but rather making the appearance that I am off in my own world (which is kinda true) and kinda voyaging ahead with no real purpose. Plus some of the ideas I have, might require money - on their account.

When I visited various councillors during middle school, it never turned out too well for one key reason. I hated talking. I am not someone who generally enjoys talking about themselves, unless I feel the need to get something off my chest (which is rare) - I'm otherwise pretty fine just thinking things through in my mind and brainstorming big ideas. I could never seem to speak coherently and was just ridiculously frustrated at the one hour session that made me utterly aware of how un-articulate I was. I could never seem to speak the truth either, or elaborate on anything, which is the entire point I guess. The question 'and how did * insert event * make you feel', sound familiar? Yeah, you might get a sentence out of me if you are lucky with that one.

So with this history of 'keeping things to myself', I know that this will be a somewhat hard habit to kick. But who knows, I am also socialising more then ever and this morning attended my first Barre class, so things are changing.