Honeybunch of
Onion Tops
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15 / 05 / 2016

Ever since I can remember I have always told the odd fib to try and "fit in" more or reply to someones question with an answer I presume they are expecting. It's a funny habit which I try to combat with each day that passes. But never the less it still gets the better of me when I am out of my comfort zone and feeling a little shaky.

Honesty is something that I seriously value. I just love Sherlock Holmes and Homes M.D, both fictional characters that just say it like it is. I appreciate the quality immensely yet constantly struggle to be frank when engaging with conversation that is usually surrounding the topic "getting to know you". I have immensely improved over the years and continue to on a daily basis realising that the truth is easier to navigate in the long-term, rather then muddling over and trying to patch up old lies that have been said out of sheer panic in the past. Being caught out on a moment of fumbling fibs ranks high up there on the "worst feelings of all time" list. It certainly makes you want to curl up into a ball and hide, or rewind time and just tell the truth for goodness sake.

If we are being specific we should brake up the layers of honesty. Personally, I have solely worked on honesty in the factual exterior department. The part where I don't apologise for particular hobbies of preferences of mine. All out of body experiences. However there is also the emotional side to honesty. Of course every sensation that runs through our system doesn't have to be confided in someone else - but for a healthy mindset, a chunk of it should be. I continue to battle with this type of honesty and as it happens so do characters like Sherlock and House. In-fact it could be said that their brutal honesty in one department is carried out in order to hide from the other. They are so honest on one hand that they try to compensate for having almost no ability to be the other. I don't know what the reverse of this would look like. Any ideas? Someone I would not like to be around I am sure. I hope some of these thoughts make sense. They are only barely doing that for myself.

Anyhoos, I now wish to work on both departments as your balance is drastically effected when only one is acknowledged. I think I will achieve this through making myself accountable in small ways. Not telling myself off by any means, because that is a bizarre practice that supports the phrase "feeding fire with fire", and that ain't my style. But through journaling I will document these moments where I wish I said more and contemplate how I was feeling and why I chose to say those things (or not say) in that moment. Acknowledgement is a powerful thing that can shape your future actions more strongly then you know.

Here's to a completely honest and therefore more vulnerable future. Sounds daunting, but I know the best growth, change and connections stem from these moments.