Having a Choice
There are some things in life that you just have to do - I get that, school is one of them and giving birth if you are far along with a pregnancy is another. It's just the natural flow of events, and while it might make you frustrated, ultimately is how it has to go. This year for me has been the first time where I've had complete choice. I firstly chose to defer from uni and take a year for me and my curiosities, that was fine. Then within that there are many more choices that are to be made week in week out as to the next step in this unpredictable year. Work opportunities and social opportunities so to speak. I've mostly kept my blinkers on, so I just view one week at a time. Consequently, no travel got booked until now, and any other long-term opportunities have been carefully pondered over.
I don't know whether always having a choice is something I have taken for granted in the past, but when an opportunity arises I have always played both versions over in my mind. Life when I say yes, and life when I decline. I try to imagine myself living with the decision made - to make it less of an "unknown". When I was younger I would often get a parent to answer "no" to decisions that made me more upset than necessary, but now I know full-well that if I am to say no I have to show up and say it just like I would if I was committing. I realise I am being unbelievably vague here - so sorry for that, I'll get more specific around about....now.
So last week I made a decision too quickly and sooner than I'd hoped I was in a work related situation I could not get out of. This made me extremely anxious. My own self-discipline and external pressure made me commit before knowing what I was getting myself into and how it would work balanced against everything else in my routine. I felt claustrophobic in the sense of having no choice unintentionally. But with everything I've found, you really do have a choice, some are just a whole bunch harder to navigate than those you have done in the past. The emotions and sensations that you feel when making this choice are running through me even when I am just typing it down; anxiety, embarrassment, regret, loss of appetite, fragility and whatever else might be specific to you.
I guess I am writing this vague analysis this morning because I think being able to make choices on your own and remain true to your gut feeling, is a strong trait. On one side of that, it can totally be seen as a sign of weakness - as the big "no" choice doesn't evoke such connotations in some individuals. But know that it is. When communication is involved and delicacy is adopted, then you do have a choice, just keep zooming out until you see it.