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Guilt: a personal burden

09 / 01 / 2016

Do you have high expectations of yourself? Do you get so frustrated and annoyed at yourself if you don't achieve what you desire too, on an intellectual, creative and physical level? I really do and I also dramatise the 'failure' - I think it over and over in my head until I am utterly deflated and sad. I beet myself up and become overly apologetic to those around me, because usually if I let down my own high expectations then I believe that others are consequently affected and also frustrated in my ability.

But this is all totally ridiculous right because A) we haven't done anything wrong, and B) we haven't actually destroyed someone's day. I know I do this, and that's projecting how others perceive another situation, and building it up to a ridiculous amount. Then I have to realise that I'm just being absolutely ridiculous and assuming that the individual(s) who witness/experience such a thing lack compassion and empathy.

So I let myself down recently (and I thought others too), thinking that my anxiety could handle a situation, that just because it hasn't paid me a visit in a while meant that it had migrated overseas. Obviously this didn't happen and I was left with the only option I could, to escape. This is an all to typical result for me. I would go so far to say that it's pathetically predictable. If I feel so vulnerable and scared in a situation - then why stay like that? I have built up inch by inch of resilience over the year and have told myself to just 'stick it out'. This has worked, sometimes not, but mostly yes, and I thought I had my supply of these in the bag.

Perhaps a mental/psychological/emotional let down is the worst, as it's just you and your crazy mind thinking the situation over and providing judgment while it is happening. You don't have a third eye to look down and provide clarity, and trying to explain this inner dialogue to others can leave you feeling like you don't speak the same language.

So where am I left now after something that has left me feeling worthless and alone? Well I think there is an opportunity for self assessment. You need to check in with yourself, because no one else ain't. Mend the strained ties (if there really are any - remember don't dramatise here), and move on with greater purpose and conviction. When you have one of these moments, you are left feeling like 'life can get pretty uncomfortable sometimes', and therefore are wondering why you don't capitalise on the totally comfortable bits. I guess it's like another version of the sensation experienced when you return from travel, except with out the crying babies and long haul flights.

If you can relate to this odd tenderness and struggle for self care when you don't meet your own high goals, I get you. I haven't necessarily met many who feel the same way - yet I guess since it being all in your mind and soul, there could more. Anyway 'hey' if you get me, and just put a smile back on your face and proceed with life, without dwelling on the past.