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Generosity: I need to give more of it

03 / 01 / 2016

It has recently become frighteningly clear to me that I get too overwhelmed and grateful when people are endlessly generous to me, and in return I am always hesitant and not as unconditionally giving as I could be. I don't know exactly why this is - probably to do with being very introverted and shy in some regards, but it's something I absolutely want to change.

For example, I grew up constantly going to friends houses, more often then they came to mine. 95% of sleepovers were at friends places and on Friday afternoons 80% of the time, I ventured home with someone else. It was an endless stream of generosity in a sense (I know it's just what people 'do' but still) that was always never fully returned. I don't know exactly why this was the case. Perhaps I was scared they were going to be bored, and uninspired by the activities we'd do together at my place. Or perhaps I just new that with the early bed time routine I had, they'd feel like they were staying over on a school night, rather then having a crazy amazing slumber party. I think there was also an element, of being so aware of someone else in my space - because hardly anyone came into my room, and when they did - i struggled to be myself. Especially because I knew other family members would be conscious of our every move in the space as well. It was just uncomfortable - and so I dodged it.

Yet now I totally regret having that attitude. I should have pushed through and had friend after friend around until it felt natural and okay. Perhaps I would be a better person today because of it. Because now when I go to other peoples places and they are all doing their own thing in their place and I'm there and it's all perfectly normal and common - I just feel like I'm not returning the favour. They feed me, let me use their kitchen, offer advice, and we have really long interesting discussions - yet I'm so unable to be my true self in my own environment with the company of others. Then I'm left feeling guilty.

So I'm making a vow to open up my heart, soul and mind and be less precious with my space and my time. I will always have time to myself - I know this, yet I never listen to this plain simple fact. I want to do more for people - acts rather than gifts, and attention rather than obligations. It feels SO GOOD to do these things. Your heart melts and you feel like you are on cloud 9. I was reminded of this the other day on the bus when a couple (I think German, as they were speaking it) were seated in front of me, chatting away and following their phone to see where to get off. The girl dropped her MYKI (the ticket basically) down the side of the seat, in a small gap and could not be reached easily. They tried to get it out, but couldn't and I could see the dark, dusty, gum and litter filled crevice it was located in. Having a flash in my head of them not being able to use public transport for the rest of the day effectively, being in the middle of an unknown area, and then having to pay another $20 (I think) for the card let alone the fare I thought that their situation plainly sucked. So I got down on my stomach (sounds dramatic), and stuck my hand through the junk and got it for them. They were so thankful and so was I - to the universe for presenting me with such an easy opportunity to do something for others. While I didn't invite them to couch surf, it clearly brightened their day, as it did mine.

As cliche as it is - I know this goal of showing endless generosity will serve me in return. Possibly even more so - I'm going to go do it!