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Adhering to GAP year standards

06 / 03 / 2016

From what I've found, this whole GAP year thing has one big stereotype written across it's forehead. That being, travel. Now I do want to travel and see the world (especially escape back to my pal Berlin), however I have no set plans at the moment and to be honest I would not entirely beat myself up over not travelling if it didn't happen at all this year. I'm only keeping it as, 'we'll see where this year takes me'. As you know, the year is in it's third month now and consequently the questions that were flung my way about what the heck I am doing with my time have dwindled down to a flickering light. However one part of me wished that "society" recognised the desire to self direct one's time (in a productive manner), just as much as the whole GAP year = travel notion was rooted in their minds.

I'm going to say right off that I found much of this past week difficult with feelings of loneliness and anxiety. I knew I wanted to do things but I found myself stopped by my conscious mind chatter that decided to be on 24/7. These dips have been coming every now and then, yet always finish with a burst of energy and positive things arising out of it. New opportunities arose at the conclusion of this week and new possibilities are on the horizon. These possibilities feel in a sense like presents from the universe in response to a bad week, even though I am sure they would have still come even if I had the best week imaginable. So why did I have to put myself in such a lull?

Now when you read the above paragraph it may have sounded like I didn't do much at all. That's not true, rather I did more then I have perhaps previously, on projects and video making bursts, but the underlying feeling while I was doing it all was a crummy one.

I only know that I come out of these periods, having learn't more about myself and what systems need to be in place to ensure this doesn't happen over and over. I am more in tune with what works for me as a person, and what sets me on a jittery-edge. I started the week by watching the OSCAR'S which I had been looking forward to for a while. I don't know I just was...interested I guess. However I now know that day time television (as it was for Australian's) is often detrimental for my mental health, placing me in a weird space that leads to regret and a bland un-productiveness. Also, being so absorbed in others lives, real (as in celebrities) or not (as in characters in movies) draws me further from myself and takes me a long while to crawl back. These things don't always happen, but in certain instances they definitely do, and now I absolutely know that.

This column really lacked direction. It is the remains of a jumbled head and an unsure week. I realise that I am in a rather different position to pretty much all people in this world at the moment. Extremely privileged and still anxious. I am setting up structures to ensure this week is different. Plenty of outings and lots of company. Time pressure to get creative projects done and lots of Yoga and Barre to top it off.